Because we, as human beings, aren’t already pretty awful to one another on the other 364 days of the year - we needed to add a holiday that allows us to scream “April Fool’s! I poisoned your breakfast!” to our loved ones.
I loathe this “holiday.” I don’t like surprises, I take everything personally, and although I’ll laugh it off - I will hold a secret vendetta against you for years. I am just now working through my feelings toward a neighbor who shoved a snowball down my pants in 2001.
So to distract all of you from executing devious pranks against me, I’ve provided you with a list of exceptional April Fool’s Day pranks:
- Put mayonnaise in your sister’s conditioner bottle. Put mayonnaise in yogurt cups and carefully reseal them. Put mayonnaise in your boyfriend’s gas tank. Put mayonnaise everywhere.
- Tie your best friend to a chair. Make them listen to Pitbull songs for 24 hours.
- File your grandmother’s taxes under a stolen identity.
- Swap every baby in the tri-state area.
- Release a hungry mountain lion in the local elementary school.
- Disguise yourself as Publisher’s Clearing House. Deliver a giant check to an elderly couple, congratulating them on winning $5,000 every day for life. When you get home, burn the check in your driveway and laugh.
- Sneak testosterone into your mom’s coffee for 4-6 months. On April 1, announce to her that the mustache she’s been sprouting on her upper lip is just a prank. Pack your bags and move. You are no longer welcome there.
Happy April Fool’s Day! Do something horrible to someone you love, before it’s too late!
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