How To Become a Whine Connoisseur

How To Become a Whine Connoisseur

[Loosely adapted from "9 Steps to Becoming a Wine Expert,"] Becoming a whine connoisseur can be daunting - but there is hope!

Depending on your level of commitment, you can become a self-proclaimed whine connoisseur in just one year. You'll find that while your ability to whine may come naturally, a little bit of practice can go a long way. Below are my six suggested steps to becoming a whine expert. 

1. Learn Appropriate Whining Technique

Start with a whine you are familiar with. Many beginners choose whines about popular first-world problems. For an intermediate challenge, consider a toy aisle temper tantrum.

The best whining is done in a safe environment with neutral conditions. Avoid opening a whine in an emotionally charged setting - leave Thanksgiving Dinner whines to more experienced whiners (like your grandmother.)

Do not taste your words - rather, post them anonymously to an online forum or stranger's Instagram account.

2. Develop your Whine Palate

Whine is an acquired taste. Get your feet wet by whining to a variety of audiences and in a variety of situations; however, exercise caution when whining in front of someone who is the cause of your whine, as studies have shown that most human beings have feelings. If those are not important to you, read them your First Amendment rights and continue.

To further experiment with your whine preferences, consider joining your local NAACP chapter or hang out with 7th grade girls.

3. Read a Book

Many of the greats have captured their constant whining in writing, allowing us to study their techniques. Learn from the works of Ann Coulter or Kanye West. Auditory learners should watch Michael Moore documentaries until they feel they have grasped the intermediate concepts of executing an extended whine.

4. Identify your Signature Whine

As you advance towards becoming a whine expert, take notice of the whines that come most naturally to you. Begin to form your own unique style and delivery and integrate it into your daily interactions with others. This will allow for consistency, regardless of whether the barista spelled your name wrong, your neighbors still haven't mowed their lawn, or gas prices increased again.

5. Expand your Palate with Complex Whines

As you progress on this journey, you will begin to understand the subtleties that make each whine unique. A true whine connoisseur can correctly discern between a "My-life-is-ruined-because-Trader-Joe's-doesn't-offer-free-wifi" and a "How-unfair-that-Trader-Joe's-ran-out-of-cheese-samples" whine.

6. Buy your Friends and Parents Flowers

Apologize. You've been whining for a really long time.


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