The holidays are often filled with love, laughter, and good cheer. And luckily, to get you through the moments that are not so cheerful, there are cookies.
As a tenured professional at eating holiday-themed cookies, I have prepared a comprehensive guide of delicious Christmas cookies and how to best utilize them to help you survive the season! See if your holiday favorite earned a seal-of-approval for getting you out of some sticky Christmas situations.
The best Christmas cookies to eat when you’re hiding from racist dinner conversation
For situations that involve hiding in closets, laundry rooms, or under the table, always opt for a soft cookie. Now is not the time for nuts or layers of toffee! If your uncle notices the sound of your chewing through his diatribe on how "we must stop the gays from marrying!!," he may also detect that you don’t share his views on the Syrian refugee crisis.
I suggest an iced sugar cookie that will silently disintegrate on your tongue and simultaneous mask the acidic burn at the back of your throat that comes with mentions of Trump.
The best Christmas cookies to drown out Grandma lecturing you for not singing in the Christmas church choir
To minimize stress and maximize crunching, I suggest a nice chocolate dipped oreo. Layers of crunchy peppermint pieces on top will shield you from most of the disappointment until Grandma turns her attention to your siblings. As an added bonus, those sharp shards of peppermint may be exactly what you need to literally bite your tongue, preventing retorts you may regret later.
If you sense an extra-long lecture coming, it may be best to skip the cookies altogether and grab a nice slab of peanut brittle.
The best Christmas cookies to sneak into your pocket before exiting an awkward Christmas party
If stopping by the snack table is a necessary step as you strategize an exit from any sort of awkward Christmas gathering, focus your attention on small, solid cookies. Avoid cookies with any sort of sprinkles or nuts, because those will stick in the crevices of your coat pockets for years to come. For similar reasons, avoid cookies that crumble easily or melt in your mouth.
Gingerbread cookies are ideal for transportation in your pockets, and will stay mostly intact until you reach the sanctuary of your car.
The best Christmas cookies to eat when a distant relative asks about your love life
Instead of trying to explain "No, Aunt Patty, looks like I'm still dying alone!," now is an excellent time to try one of those jelly-filled linzer cookies with powdered sugar on top.
You will inevitably get a dusting of powdered sugar on your face and a dollop of jam on your ugly Christmas sweater, giving you the perfect opportunity to leave the conversation. After you clean up, you can seek refuge with your younger cousins who haven’t looked up from their phone screens since they arrived.
The best Christmas cookies to eat when you’re trying not to make it obvious that you’ve had too much eggnog
If none of the above techniques worked for you, leading you to hit the alcoholic eggnog a little hard, it’s time for the big guns.
I suggest seeking out the frozen Girl Scout Thin Mints your mom keeps in the garage freezer. This is conveniently also the safest location to subtweet about your relatives and sober up before you head back to your crazy, loving family.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!