Coachella is upon us - the time of year when reality tv stars, fashion icons, and people with rich parents flock to the California desert.
You may have been sidetracked by your quest to purchase high waisted shorts and fringe vests in large quantities. You may be stuck in front of a mirror, trying desperately to cornrow your hair in a way that doesn’t scream of cultural appropriation. You may have been so busy planning what you’ll say if you bump into Kendall Jenner at the phone charging station that you’ve forgotten that Coachella is, first and foremost, a music festival.
Sure, you know the big names. You’ve already blocked off time for Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding. But to really fit in with the Coachella crowd, you also need to know the up-and-comers, the newest indie folk bands, and that one EDM DJ your boyfriend is forcing you to see. I’m here to help you prepare with this helpful and educational quiz.
Can you tell the difference between this year’s Coachella lineup and a list of random objects I found in the back of my grandmother’s storage unit?
Black Coffee - Coachella Band
This is a South African music producer and DJ, not a forgotten, ice-cold cup of joe. My grandma was raised during the Great Depression. She would never waste coffee. Don’t be ridiculous.
Wicker Bassinet - Random Object from my Grandma’s Storage Unit
Nope - this is not an indie band from Portland. It’s a real piece of baby furniture from 1940, and it is 100% haunted.
Glo Worm - Random Object from my Grandma’s Storage Unit
This little guy is the best! Half night light, half plush toy. And he practically is a Coachella band because he plays a crackly, ice cream truck-esque rendition of Rock-a-bye Baby when you squeeze him.
Cloves - Coachella Band
Grandma keeps her garlic in the house like a normal person/vampire slayer, thank you. Cloves is “the female Bon Iver,” and she’s already achieved more by the age of 19 than you probably will in your entire life.
Fur Coat - Coachella Band
PETA will be relieved to know that this is just a Venezuelan Techno band. Macklemore will be relieved to know his thrift shop look hasn’t been pilfered.
Purity Ring - Coachella Band
This is a Canadian electronic music duo, though I did lose the purity ring I begged my parents for in middle school (Blame the Jonas Brothers) - and I’ve looked for it everywhere except my grandma’s storage unit.
Broken Armchair - Random Object from my Grandma’s Storage Unit
This is not a Canadian electronic music duo. It’s a chair with several exposed springs. This is actually kind of dangerous - why do we even still have this?
Snails - Coachella Band
So this is the EDM band your boyfriend won’t shut up about.
Inflatable Canoe - Random Object from my Grandma’s Storage Unit
Nope. Not an all-girl rock band, but a buoyant watercraft ideal for pool use only.