5… 4… 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!
New Year’s Eve is a time for reflecting on everything that happened in the previous year, and to celebrate all the potential the coming year has to offer.
But when you’re single on New Year’s, it’s mostly about trying to play it cool while coping with the knowledge that you’re not getting a midnight kiss and your cats will probably chew your face off when you die alone, making it harder to identify your body when the neighbors finally call about the smell.
According to every rom-com ever made, there are three possible outcomes for single people on New Year’s Eve:
- You will lock eyes with your ex from across the room and suddenly be overcome with the knowledge that you were meant to be together after all.
- A dashing stranger in a masquerade mask will sweep you off your feet at midnight with a New Year’s kiss. He will later be revealed as your best friend, the hot guy from the apartment upstairs, or your boss.
- You will renounce New Year’s Eve, make plans to go to bed early, and end up in Cynthia Nixon’s living room.
I’m here to tell you that in real life, there’s a fourth outcome - and that’s to whip up these New Year’s cocktail recipes that will send you into a rolling blackout by the time Jenny McCarthy starts making out with strangers in Times Square.
Each of these simple New Year’s cocktail recipes involves four ingredients or less, so you can get completely sloshed AND still be very aware of your impending lifetime of loneliness.
Frisky Whiskey Sour
Combine 1 part lemon juice with 1 part sugar, then dilute with 2 parts water and stir. Combine with 2 parts whiskey and pour over ice.
While you’re digging through your host’s kitchen looking for maraschino cherries to garnish your masterpiece, help yourself to some Christmas dinner leftovers. Cold mashed potatoes will numb the loneliness as you try to guess the wi-fi password and re-download Tinder.
Rim a martini glass with sugar. Combine 1 part vodka, 4 parts cranberry juice, and ice, and top with Prosecco. You could have added champagne instead, but you accidentally chugged the whole bottle already. Just sadly lick the sugar off the rim of your glass as your coworker scrolls through photos of her and her fiance vacationing in the Netherlands.
This popular Spanish drink proves that opposites attract. Except, apparently, when it comes to you and Jeff!
Mix 1 part red wine with 1 part Coca Cola in a tall glass and stumble around mispronouncing this drink, explaining how self-actualized you are for ordering this instead of a boring old rum and coke. Then spend the next two hours telling anyone who will listen about the semester you almost went abroad to Barcelona.
Nothing like the beautiful marriage of two classics - a Screwdriver and a Moscow Mule - to remind you that you may never achieve such a perfect union.
Fill a rocks glass with ice and add 2 oz of Smirnoff ICE Screwdriver, topped with ginger ale. Then drink the rest of the Smirnoff ICE straight out of the bottle. It’s the most lip action you’ll get all night.
Seven & Seven
Mix one part whiskey with one part 7-Up in a tall glass, and then wave it around as you explain the entire plot of Stranger Things to some girl you’ve never met before.
If you’ve got a bad case of the New Year’s Eve blues, these easy cocktails are sure to remind you that instead of a kiss, you’re going to wind up high-fiving a friend at 12:01.
Bottom’s up, Ryan Seacreast and your goddamn Rockin’ Christmas Eve! So get out there, keep your loved ones* (*=wine spritzers) close, and just try to get through the holiday.
Just remember...Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you’ll probably be alone for that, too.
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