Laura

Denise

Laura
Denise

Unfair wages? Sure.Racial inequality? Fine. But the dissolution of the world's greatest power couple?  You've gone too far this time, Hollywood.

As a die-hard Muppet fan, I was excited to learn that The Muppets are back on primetime starting September 22. BUT, in what I consider to be the second-most shocking and upsetting Hollywood breakup (RIP Heidi Klum and Seal) - the producers have captured our attention with the most horrifying of publicity stunts.

According to the Muppet Wiki page (a page that I am not ashamed to admit I have scoured for Muppets trivia on more than one occasion) there is still much speculation as to whether or not the couple was ever actually married. Miss Piggy’s obsession with Kermit has been evident since the start of her tenure on The Muppets in 1976. 

In Episode 310 (from 1978), Miss Piggy plants a real minister in a wedding sketch, causing an "is-it-or-isn’t-it-real?" situation that has yet to be resolved. Kermit and Miss Piggy have kept us guessing with inconsistent information presented in interviews throughout the years. If the wedding was the real deal, that would mean they’ve been together for 37 years. In Hollywood years, that’s 90. In Puppet years, that’s a lifetime!

Using relationships on the rocks to reel in viewers isn’t unheard of (We all just suffered through an entire summer of Bachelor in Paradise promos!) But, in fact - they’ve tried this exact PR trick before. 

The Pig of the Nineties was a marketing campaign proposed to reinvigorate Miss Piggy’s image and boost her popularity. The first step of the campaign was a People magazine cover published in 1990, speculating that Miss Piggy had split with her amphibious husband. The campaign was abandoned two days later, after the sudden death of Jim Henson.

That’s right. The last time they pulled this stunt, they KILLED Jim Henson.  

What’s worse is that it’s being portrayed as an amicable split. If you’re going to tear apart Hollywood’s favorite dysfunctional puppet relationship for PR purposes, you have to be authentic. And those of us who understand Miss Piggy on a fundamental level know that she’s not letting Kermit go without a fight.

After rumors that Miss Piggy would rebound with Liam Hemsworth, it was announced on Sept. 8 that Miss Piggy is now coupled with Josh Groban (Girl Power! SLAY!) Prior to that, Kermit set the Twitter-sphere ablaze with the People magazine reveal of his new girlfriend: Denise. 

The reveal of Denise has polarized the Muppets fanbase. Much like a bad breakup between friends, die-hard fans have been forced to choose sides. And, abiding by Girl Code and out of loyalty to moi’s inner high-maintenance drama queen, I must now loathe Denise and everything she stands for.

According to People Magazine, Denise is the Head of Marketing on Up Late with Miss Piggy. (Oh SURE, hook up with the show’s Executive Producer. Was Denise by his side when he was just a lowly stage manager? When he went bankrupt in Muppets Take Manhattan?! When he almost had his legs amputated by a Hollywood baddie?!?!)

She looks like Miss Piggy - a younger, skinnier, probably-looks-better-in-a-convertible Miss Piggy. (She’s probably had work done. And she is so NOT pulling off that shade of red.)

And Kermit claims now that he has a “soft spot for a curly tail.” (He’s been avoiding commitment for almost 40 years! LET THE FELT FLY!!!)

I, for one, am having NONE of it. (But I will still be loyally watching every Tuesday.)

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