Olympic Sports I Could Medal In

I know I don’t have the resolve of an Olympian.

I burst into tears 30 seconds into my first soccer game at the age of 5, because I didn’t like the pressure of competition. I can’t bear the thought of waking up at 5 AM to go to the gym. I don’t look good in horizontal stripes.

 

But I will admit, there are elements of the Summer 2016 Olympics that entice me and make me wish that I had the talent and training of the athletes representing us in Rio.

For example, I would like to eat lunch with Ryan Lochte and the men’s water polo team. I like my misinformed notion that in-between athletic training and competing, I would get to drink frozen lemonades on the beach. I have several witty things saved up if I am ever interviewed by Matt Lauer.

Instead of spending hours running sprints or finding a Russian gymnastics coach who will saw me in half and transform me into two Simone Biles’ - I’d prefer to embrace my natural talents and petition for new sports that I already know I’d excel at!

These are the Olympic events that I would like to see added in 2020:

Rhythmic Snacking

All about grace, balance, and a strong gag reflex, this event involves a choreographed floor routine and an unhealthy quantity of processed foods.

I will ultimately place third because of my inability to do a back handspring while catching a Dorito in my mouth.

Marathon Complaining

Much like a supreme court filibuster, there is no limit to the content of your complaints - it is only important to that you keep going. The key to success in this event is pacing yourself, repeating yourself, and constantly reminding yourself of every single person who wronged you in high school.

I have been training for this event since I could speak, and I will still be whining while they place the gold medal around my neck.

Texting-Speed Slalom

This six-heat event contains numerous challenges, including texting while walking in a high traffic area, texting while holding a conversation with your grandmother, and texting with freshly-painted nails. If I don’t get the gold, it’s not worth placing at all because the other colors will clash with my phone case.

Women’s Singles

Get it? Because…

Sweating Resentfully

“No, no, I’m fine!” I’d say, as various coaches, sportscasters and Good Morning America hosts offer me more seasonally appropriate clothing options. I would win gold after soaking through one of the hideously wonderful American sweaters worn by the US team in the 2014 Winter Games.


 

For live coverage of me competing in these Olympic sports, tune in to the E! Network on August 5, 2020.

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