Laura Simis

Founding Father-Approved Ways to Celebrate Fourth of July

Laura Simis
Founding Father-Approved Ways to Celebrate Fourth of July

Our founding fathers would be rolling in their graves if they could see me celebrating the birth of our great nation the way I traditionally do – eating red, white, and blue Little Debbie snack cakes in the dark.

(My actual father isn’t thrilled about it, either.)

Something tells me that George Washington and James Madison would be tremendously dissatisfied by the sheer volume of Ed Hardy t-shirts and $1 Old Navy flip flops in our great nation. Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson would not “like” your Instagram of a plateful of artfully arranged watermelon slices balanced on the part of your thighs that isn’t covered by your Daisy Duke shorts.

It’s actually very possible that Benjamin Franklin would be into the inflatable flamingo pool floatie trend, but the other two Founding Fathers would, no doubt, be disappointed that I had to look up their names on Google while writing this. (John Adams, James Monroe. Sorry, fellas.)

According to John Adams (I found out, whilst Googling), Independence Day is a day for “Pomp and Parade…Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other.” So put down the illegal fireworks you purchased in South Carolina and leave the Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the fridge! This year, party like it’s 1776 – with Independence Day traditions that would truly make our forefathers proud.

Hold A Mock Funeral for the King

Prior to the Revolution, colonists were expected to hold annual celebrations for the king’s birthday, including ringing bells, bonfires, parades and speechmaking. In 1776, some of the sassiest colonists spent Independence Day holding mock funerals and sarcastic speeches in his honor, celebrating the end of the monarchy’s control over America.  

How would the Founding Fathers feel about speechmaking and Twitter-roasting our current President, instead? (They wouldn’t be able to figure out how to check my Twitter, nor my Pinterest board full of photos of Justin Trudeau – so my secret is probably safe.)

Dress Up the Ships and Gallies in the Harbor

Back in 1776, Americans celebrated their independence with “Armed ships and gallies in the river drawn up before the city, dressed in the gayest manner.” Flags and cheering and sailing commenced in harbors up and down the east coast.

 No ships or gallies? Try a patriotic sticker on your pool floatie or a red, white, and blue koozie proudly lodged in your cupholder. As a last resort, stick a postage stamp on the kayak hanging upside down in your neighbors garage?

Discharge a Cannon For Every State in the Union

Nothing says pomp and circumstance quite like cannonfire! Get the neighbors involved (and probably the cops, eventually) by firing heavy artillery in your neighborhood – one cannon for every state.

Don’t have 50 cannon balls? It’s okay to exclude your least favorite states. (Lookin’ at you, Florida.)
Don’t have a cannon from 1776? Doing 50 cannonballs off a diving board into your neighbor’s swimming pool will suffice.

Happy Fourth of July, my pals!


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