Malala Yousafzai is incredible.
At the age of eighteen, she is an advocate for women’s education and the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. She is so incredible, in fact, that she was recently featured on Time Magazine’s Most Influential Teen’s list, coming in right after Kendall and Kylie Jenner. Critics hurried to point out all the ways in which Kylie Jenner, who is also eighteen, will never be as good as Malala.
For one thing, Kylie spends money on lip injections. Malala is too busy saving the world to focus on her appearance. The media should remind Kylie regularly that she looks “like a cheap whore” with lip injections. Or that she looked better without them, while anonymously referring to her as “the ugly Kardashian sister” on Instagram. Regardless, we should focus on her appearance. And then shame her for caring about her appearance.
For another, they celebrated turning eighteen in very different ways. Malala opened a school in Syria. Kylie was given a Ferrari as a gift. And really, how dare she?
While we’re on the topic - Here are six other women who should consistently be reminded that they are garbage compared to Malala:
Meryl Streep: Even the most passionate “YAS!” to Patricia Arquette’s Equal Pay for Women diatribe at the Oscars won’t measure up to Malala. Sure, she sent letters to every member of Congress asking for support of the Equal Rights Amendment, but like - has she rebuilt 65 schools in Gaza?
Jennifer Lopez: J.Lo has won three American Music Awards, four Billboard Music Awards, and a Guinness World Record for the first number one remix album in the United States. She has NOT won a Nobel Peace Prize nor a Grammy.
Miley Cyrus: Miley founded the Happy Hippie Foundation, which focuses on fighting injustice facing homeless youth, LGBTQ youth and other underserved populations. While both she and her father have probably received death threats, Miley wears significantly less clothing and has been known to dance on more inflatable penises than Malala.
Lady Gaga: In between dressing in meat (which Malala would never do – it’s not Halal!) and shooting flames from her boobs at concerts, Lady Gaga supports The Born This Way Foundation. Even with her support for marriage equality and other civil rights, she’s never co-written a memoir that sat at the top of Amazon's Bestsellers list.
Taylor Swift: Malala started her blog detailing life under Taliban rule and her views on promoting education for girls at the age of 11. Swift didn’t move to Nashville to pursue her country music dreams until she was 14. Will she ever shake that off?
Oprah Winfrey: Lest she think her contributions to the Worldwide Orphans Foundation, the Angel Network and book clubs all across America are enough, we should remind Oprah on the daily that she was never the victim of an attempted assassination for her views. (She was wrestled to the ground defending civil rights as Annie Lee Cooper in Selma, but never actually shot. Important.)
Thank you, Society, for reminding us that Kylie will never be Malala. I had nearly forgotten that it's not enough to just celebrate the accomplishments of one woman; we have to pit women against one another. Silly me! (Malala would never make such a foolish mistake.)
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