Laura

I Can Hear You Chewing

Laura
I Can Hear You Chewing

The 3 PM slump.

We’ve all experienced that late-afternoon drop in energy, causing us to swerve through the rest of the workday. Snacking is a good way to refuel just as your engine starts to bottom out. (I don’t know enough about cars to carry this metaphor any further.)

However; just because the vending machine hath provided it does not mean it’s a suitable snack for the workplace. When the 3 PM slump starts to hit, simply refer to this comprehensive guide to cubicle-approved snacks.

(As a representative of the snacking community at large, I have tried not to let useless variables such as nutritional value bias the rankings below.)

Apple - NOT OKAY 

First off, what the hell kind of snack is this? Secondly, while your health conscious vibe is certainly admirable, everyone around you is dreaming up ways to get you fired each time you take a bite.

Fruit Roll-up - OKAY 

We don’t mind a little wrapper crackle here and there. We know you’re busy reliving your childhood on the other side of the cubicle wall. We’re extra okay with it if you happened to find a box of those old school tongue tattoo Fruit Roll-ups.

Chips/Pretzels - NOT OKAY

*Crunch crunch crunch crunch* Calm down, Satan. The snacking community would also like you to know that there is a special circle of Hell reserved for people who introduce the double-whammy crunchy chip and crackly eco-friendly bag noises of Sun Chips into the office environment.

Granola Bar - OKAY 

Even if we can hear you chewing, we know it will be over soon. (This is ONLY for people who have the good sense and courtesy to remove the wrapper all at once so as to minimize crinkling. If you prioritize the cleanliness of your fingertips above your workplace relationships and ranking as a decent human being, take your granola bar and get out.)

Gum - NOT OKAY 

The scent of minty freshness wafting over the cubicles is a good thing, but people who snap, crackle, and pop their gum have ruined this for all of us. If you choose to chew, be prepared for dirty looks from the person who keeps finding wads of gum stuck to the bottom of their desk.

Beef Jerky - OKAY

You will be mostly silent when chewing. You will also be nicer in the afternoon hours after that little protein lift. Plus, you will smell vaguely of smoked meats, which probably reminds people of their grandfathers.

Candy/Candy Bars - OKAY 

The wrapper is the worst part. Rip that bad boy open and go to town. Just don’t be that person who shovels handfuls of Skittles into their mouth and swirls them over their teeth. That is both weird and loud.

Popcorn - NO, STOP

Everyone within 25 feet of the microwave will smell it. Everyone within 40 feet will smell it if you burn it. Everyone within 15 feet will hear you chewing. Everyone within 8 feet is planning to push you down a flight of stairs after work so this never happens again.

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