A baby shower is a chance to celebrate the gift of human life.
But if feigning interest in the unwrapping of boxes stuffed with diapers and eating delicious pastel-colored cupcakes is more painful to you than childbirth itself, here are thirteen ways to get yourself kicked out of a baby shower.
- Sing Paul Anka’s “Having my Baby” while eating an entire platter of pigs in a blanket.
- Bring a photo of Voldemort on the back of Professor Quirrell's head. Say that you used the internet to blend the mother and father’s faces together and that this is what their unborn child will look like.
- Decorate a onesie entirely out of puffy-paint penises.
- Volunteer to bring the cake. Ice it with baby food.
- Present a bouquet of pacifiers you found in dumpsters and the local Goodwill.
- Spend 45 minutes recounting every detail from the episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where Kim and Kourtney trick the family into thinking they fed them placenta.
- Remove all of the party streamers and balloon ribbons. Use them to tie the expectant mother to a chair. Lie down on the carpet and imitate a screaming infant until she is able to break free.
- Pee on the floor. When questioned, blame it on the unborn baby.
- Wrap your gift in a Nazi flag.
- Every time someone asks about the due date, talk about all of the various complications women died from during childbirth in the 1800s.
- Force everyone to play the “Guess the Mother’s Weight” game.