T’was the night before Halloween, and you just realized that the $20 Mars assorted mix you bought at Target three weeks ago is gone.
I mean, okay, the first night you ripped open the corner of the bag just a little bit - just to nibble on a Snickers bar or two during Dancing with the Stars. Well, and then you had some Kit-Kat bars during the commercial breaks.
There was that day that you forgot to eat lunch, so you ate a few Milky Way bars - but that couldn’t have been more than… ugh…fifteen…? Plus you started stress-eating all the Baby Ruth’s in the bag during the last political debate, but that was honestly in the name of protecting the neighborhood kids with peanut allergies.
So now you’re left with an empty candy bowl, with just a few hours until the sun sets and the trick-or-treaters begin their rounds.
Here’s what’s left of the Halloween candy selection at the grocery store on Halloween day:
A Single Tub of Laffy Taffy
Maybe if you distract them with the mediocre jokes on the back of each piece of taffy, the kids won’t notice that all you have is banana-flavored?
One Bag of Dum Dums
What are you - a bank teller?
Plus - even Kindergarteners know that Cream Soda is the only flavor worth your time.
Sugar-free Werther’s Originals
Skip the candy bowl and just serve these up out of the pocket of your most grandmotherly cardigan. If the kids aren’t into it, you can leave them in your pantry until you retire.
Gumballs from The 25-cent machine
If you need an incentive to clean out the loose change from your pockets, purse, and car cupholders, now is your chance. But really - what kind of parent is going to let their child eat a loose gumball from the bottom of their plastic pumpkin?
Individual Packets of Raisins
After all, Satan is alive and well on All Hallow’s Eve.
A Container of Tums
Someone carried this container around the store before changing their mind and stashing it next to a pile of bath towels. Honestly - an antacid might be a very welcome find after eating half a pound of candy in one sitting.
Bags and Bags of Candy Corn Pumpkins
Just a hellscape of orange wax. Have some standards - grab the Tums and get out of here!
Have a happy and safe Halloween, everyone!
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