Naming Your Baby For Silicon Valley Success

Watch your back, Maxima Zuckerberg.

Disclaimer: I have never been to Silicon Valley, nor have I ever named a baby. I did bestow the name “Archibald” upon my pet hamster, though, which makes me uniquely qualified to write this article.

Silicon Valley - the city of start-ups. A gold mine for the world’s largest high-tech corporations, thousands of people have flocked to Santa Clara to make their riches in mobile apps, software development, and technological innovation.

Mark Zuckerberg, Ben Parr, and Brian Solis may be Silicon Valley Royalty now, but who will their kids - the next generation of Silicon Valley - be playing with on the playground?

If you want your child to be the next STEM success story or tech venture capitalist, there’s a lot at stake. Don’t let your babies be the next “Winklevoss twins.” This helpful guide will teach you everything you need to know about naming your baby for Silicon Valley success.

Vista

Vista will be named a piano prodigy at the age of 4, get a rebellious tongue piercing during her freshman year at Stanford, and spend the next 8 years building her tech empire from the ground up. She will then betray her Microsoft-inspired moniker, sell her company to Apple, and use the profits to invest in Google Glass x Warby Parker.

Similar: Amiga, Linux, Apple Pascal

 

Dashiell

 

Nothing like a child named after an obscure literary reference! After coding a wildly popular video game at the age of 17, Dashiell will skip college to head a new virtual reality department at Nintendo, where he will wear a pair of jeans and a wrinkled button down rolled up at the sleeves for the next 40 years of his life.

Similar: Moby, Binx, Milo Minderbinder

 

Lazlo

 

Despite being named after Hungarian nobility, after graduating from UCLA, Lazlo will start out as a lowly intern in the mailroom at IDEO. Twenty years later, he will write a New York Times Best Seller on Micro-Agile workflow and install a solid gold waterslide in his private swimming pool.

Similar: Bartholomew, Stefan, Sigismund

 

Mosaic

 

Named after the IPA her parents were drinking when she was conceived, Mosaic will be the top of her preschool class, as well as her graduating class at MIT. After building and selling an app that can ID any perfume, food smell, or other odor around you, she will become the biggest seed investor Silicon Valley has ever seen.

Similar: Julius, Nelson, Todd the Axe Man

 

Twig

 

A name like Twig will save your kid hours of explanation about their vegan diet to friends and colleagues. In addition to championing a sustainable rooftop garden at Samsung headquarters and petitioning for organic granola bars in the vending machines, at the age of 32, Twig will design the first fully biodegradable battery.

Similar: Spruce, Meadow, Coriander

 

Kylo

 

The force is strong with this one. At 29, he will use nothing but charm (and perhaps blackmail?) to oust an aging Elon Musk from the CEO position at Tesla.

Similar: Mace, Alderaan, Chewbacca

 

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