Laura Simis

The Perks of Owning a Wallflower

Laura Simis
The Perks of Owning a Wallflower

This is exactly like the first time I spent a few weeks’ allowance on an eclectic assortment of body mists in the sixth grade.

I’m still drawn to each rack of color coordinated bottles and jars. I’m still prone to spritzing every single scent up and down my wrist until I reek but have also conveniently lost my sense of smell.

Of course now that I am an adult, I’ve graduated from the travel-size bottles and clearance bins. As I drag my 80 pound basket towards the register, I reflect on the fact that there is ~literally~ nobody that can prevent me from investing in my own deliciously scented future.

This is exactly how much Bath & Body works merchandise I can afford on a single paycheck.

20 Exfoliating Hand Soaps  

How much exfoliation do one woman’s hands need, really?

I will stow these away under the bathroom sink and promptly forget about them. As I’m shoving aside cans of Febreze, hairspray, and four half-used bottles of nail polish remover, I’ll realize there are already three bottles down here! These are classic scents – I am a vintage collector now.

Someday when I move and leave them behind, the next resident will wonder “Wow, was she a very fancy Doomsday prepper?”

14 Fall-Scented Candles

I won’t rest until my home smells like a cashmere sweater, set aflame in a pile of bourbon-soaked leaves and used to bake a cinnamon apple pie.

Just imagine how strong my biceps will look in all my baggy fall sweaters after dragging this basket of candles around for an hour?

8 Bottles of Winter Candle Apple lotion, mysteriously on sale in the summer

Year-round, somehow there’s always a backlog of holiday-scented soaps and lotions without a home.

After loudly responding with “PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET,” to the utter confusion and dismay of every gingham apron-clad woman and gay man who has asked me twice if I need help, I will rationalize this purchase by telling myself these will make excellent Secret Santa gifts. Then, these will sit under my bed until I re-discover them in June and try to make it work as a summer scent.

18 Tubs of Aromatherapy Sugar Scrub

This is my go-to gunk for when I want to feel peaceful and zen whilst also removing particularly tenacious patches of dead skin on my knees and elbows. And feet. And that one time, my face, just to see what would happen.

(As it turns out, a glob of gritty Eucalyptus Spearmint to the eye is NOT stress-relieving at all!)

24 Individual Hand Sanitizers

Every time I open my purse to dig around for my keys for the next year, I’ll find one empty, leaky container and think “Wow, what happened to the rest of these?”

16 Wallflowers  

One for every outlet in the house, so that my many houseguests (my best friend, my mom, and occasionally my landlord) will just assume that my living room naturally produces an overwhelming warm vanilla sugar scent.

These are the ones that overheat and explode, right? I won’t be able to pay my rent this month, so I’m counting on insurance….



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