Laura Simis

3 Relationship Dramas to Unload on your Uber Driver

Laura Simis
3 Relationship Dramas to Unload on your Uber Driver

Just because you’ve called an Uber doesn’t mean your night is over.

It’s Saturday night, you lost track after Ashley talked you into that sixth shot of tequila, and you’re feeling emotional as you stumble out of the bar to wait on the corner for “Alan” in a “White Ford Taurus.”

Make your driver earn that 2 AM surge pricing.
Immediately after asking “How long have you been driving for Uber?” launch full-speed into one of the following emotional outbursts.

“My best friend is more successful than me!”

The leather interior of this sedan feels like a safe space to unpack years of feeling inadequate.

Now is the perfect time to bring up how she’s the one with a new promotion at work, even though you’re the one who keeps having to cancel sushi dates to work overtime. And while we’re on the subject, she’s so nice that she’s never even mad when you cancel.

Your driver clears his throat as you slide down in your seat moaning “Even her boyyyyfriend is great. He’s really great, and they’re so good together, but it’s like COME ON.”

“Please keep your seatbelt on!” he sputters as you pop up suddenly and lean over the center console to show him Facebook photos from their recent mission trip to Vietnam.

“My dad wanted a son!”

After you notice the “Jacksonville Florida Jr. Basketball Rec League” t-shirt peeking out of the gym bag on the floor, turn your attention to a childhood of disappointing your parents. Your incoherent babbling about the pressure to win everything as a child in endless attempts to gain your father’s respect and attention gets louder and louder each time your driver tries to subtly increase the radio volume.

“I mean, yeah -- my dad still came to my basketball games, but he always wanted to watch a son play football!” As you sob into his sweaty gym t-shirt, your driver nervously checks the GPS to see how close he is to your apartment building.

“My ex seems really happy!”

Let your unresolved Daddy issues deliver you to the other man in your life - the ex you just bumped into at the bar. “He was with this new girl -- Ssssssylvia. She’s a lawyer, and YEAH. Thanks for asking, Alan. Of course. She’s smoking hot!”

“Oh, look. They adopted a German Shepard together,” you whine, wiping mascara off your cheeks as you aggressively like every Instagram photo he’s posted over the last three months.

End the night screaming “What if I never find love!?” out the window your driver rolled down in hopes that you’d avoid vomiting on his upholstery.


As he drives away you give him four stars, because he never offered you a water.

 

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