I’m either getting grumpy in my old age or my Facebook friends are getting worse.
Facebook is a wonderful tool, but with the privilege of being plugged in and able to quickly share news and information with friends and family comes great responsibility.
Maybe you haven’t noticed this. Maybe you’re content with 95 pictures of your college roommate’s cat, clickbait articles to inform you which celebrities are aging horribly, and blurry games that ask you to post how many triangles you can find in a picture. Maybe you’re part of the problem.
Please, please stop committing the following cardinal Facebook sins:
1. Reposting grainy screenshots of grammatically incorrect relationship advice
Just so we’re all on the same page, having a boyfriend who gets jealous whenever you talk to another guy is neither #relationshipgoals nor worthy of a repost on Facebook. And frankly, Wiz Khalifa, I doubt your authority when your caption is “Girls luv dis krazy shit tho *crying emoji* *laughing emoji* *eggplant emoji*.”
2. Posting 5 identical selfies in a row
I’m all for a good selfie. I’ll even stick around through the occasional duck face situation. But unless you’re a Kardashian sister, I really don’t want to see your poorly-done winged eyeliner from 4 slightly different angles. One will suffice.
3. Dramatic Facebook statuses without a backstory
Your blatant ploy for attention has worked, because I’m wondering what is wrong with you. But, like, mentally. If it’s too personal to give up the gooey details, stop fishing for comments and keep it off my newsfeed.
4. NO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I WILL NOT SEND YOU EXTRA LIVES IN CANDY CRUSH
Or Words with Friends, or Mafia Wars. or Dragon City.
5. I also don’t care what your score is in Candy Crush
Do you even realize you’re sending us these hourly updates from your phone? What other aspects of your life are you not in control of?
6. Giving us a daily play-by play
We all went through that rough patch around 2007 when Facebook was new and it was still okay to share the most mundane updates from our day. But the year is 2016 and now you should know better than to think everyone is waiting on the edge of their seats to see what you’ll do next.
“Karen is going to the gym this morning!” “Karen is having a croissant for breakfast.” “Karen is watching Mean Girls again.” I’m glad you’re staying hydrated, Karen, but we probably could have done without that “Drinking water!” update.
7. Counting down to your own birthday
You’re the high maintenance friend, aren’t you?
8. The “Let’s see who actually reads my status” status
We, as a species, should have agreed to leave the chain mail message behind in our AOL email inboxes. I shan’t participate in your “Comment below on how we became friends and then re-post” post. You’re a grown up. Stop.
Even worse is the “If you don’t repost this by Jan. 1, Facebook will reclaim your account” post. No. Facebook isn’t stealing your password or changing your profile picture or making you pay to use your account. If you’re worried this might be happening, ask a nearby Millennial.
9. Trapping your loved ones in an extended sales pitch
Marketing yourself is cool. Making money is fun. But real friends don’t guilt friends into buying overpriced jelly roll pans or 30-day juice cleanses. Please never invite me to a Jamberry nails party. I want no part of your skincare pyramid scheme.
10. Bad Food Photography
It’s not the very act of taking a picture of your food that is evil. I’m very interested in the Kalua pork barbecue you ate on your Hawaiian vacation, the best cranberry scone from your favorite local bakery, and your Thanksgiving Turducken. I watched the Rainbow Bagel video six times.
But not a single one of us is interested in your Red Robin hamburger. We don’t need a picture of the very average salad you had during your very average workday. Please keep your freezer burned lasagna to yourself.
11. Keeping your wedding hashtag alive
Here is a helpful guide to when it is appropriate to use your wedding hashtag: Birth - Bachelorette Party = NO. Bachelorette Party - End of Honeymoon = Go for it. End of Honeymoon - Death do you part = NO.
I’m not saying you can’t reminisce on your wedding day every once in awhile with a little hashtag action - but damn, we don’t all need to celebrate your 246 day anniversary.
12. Holding a Facebook-wall political debate
I don’t care if you’re Feelin’ the Bern or cheering on Trump, explaining why we need more gun regulation or explaining that we should defund Planned Parenthood. Your anti-Obama meme isn’t going to be the thing that stops ISIS.
I’m glad you feel strongly about politics, and you should feel welcome to share some of your thoughts with us. Preferably not every thought that pops into your head. Especially the racist ones. If I wanted a livestream of election coverage, I’d rather get it from CSPAN.
13. Sharing lazy "I love Jesus" posts
Loving Jesus is awesome, but for the actual love of God, what compelled you to share this monstrosity? Comic sans on a low-quality sunset picture?
Jesus would want you to put in the two minutes it takes to Google-search a better religious image. He would also probably have some feelings about being sandwiched between pictures of you wall twerking at a frat house.
14. Tagging friends and family in unflattering pictures
If you must upload that group photo from last night in which you look like a supermodel and I look like a sneezing whale, at least have the decency not to tag me. I’d like for this moment not to go down as part of my digital footprint.