Founding Father-Approved Ways to Celebrate Fourth of July

Our founding fathers would be rolling in their graves if they could see me celebrating the birth of our great nation the way I traditionally do: Eating red, white, and blue Little Debbie snack cakes in the dark.

(My actual father isn’t thrilled about it, either.)

Something tells me that John Adams and James Madison would be tremendously dissatisfied by the sheer volume of Ed Hardy t-shirts and $1 Old Navy flip flops in our great nation.

George Washington would be bummed that he crossed the Delaware so that one day his ancestors could watch a man win a mustard belt by eating 75 hot dogs in one sitting.

Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson would not “like” your Instagram post of artfully arranged watermelon slices on a platter next to a pair of conspicuously placed sunglasses. #Raybans #ad

Benjamin Franklin actually seems chill and would possibly enjoy your inflatable unicorn pool floatie.

The other Founding Father would, no doubt, be disappointed that I had to look up his name on Google while writing this. (James Monroe. Sorry, bud.)

According to John Adams, Independence Day is a day for “Pomp and Parade…Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other.” So put down the fireworks you purchased at the South Carolina border and leave the Whiteclaw in the fridge! This year, party like it’s 1776 – with Independence Day traditions that would truly make our forefathers proud.

Hold a mock funeral for “the King”

Prior to the Revolution, colonists were expected to hold annual celebrations for the king’s birthday, including ringing bells, bonfires, parades and speechmaking. In 1776, some of the sassiest colonists spent Independence Day holding mock funerals and sarcastic speeches in his honor, celebrating the end of the monarchy’s control over America.

We did briefly and collectively cyberbully Jonathan Groff for spitting so much in his turn as King George III, but my suggestion is to modernize this practice entirely.

How would the Founding Fathers feel about speechmaking and Twitter-roasting our President, instead? (I, personally, think it’s very patriotic that we’ve found a way to turn this into a year-round thing.)

Dress up the ships and gallies in the harbor

Back in 1776, Americans celebrated their independence with “Armed ships and gallies in the river drawn up before the city, dressed in the gayest manner.” Flags and cheering and sailing commenced in harbors up and down the east coast.

I know there are plenty of lakes and waterfront towns that hold boat parades for the Fourth of July holiday, and I’m willing to bet at least 25% of those ships are carrying a weapon and/or one person who keeps flexing a bicep and welcoming people to the “gun show,” so we’ve actually done a pretty decent job of upholding this tradition over the years.

No ships or gallies? Try a patriotic sticker on your pool floatie or a red, white, and blue koozie proudly lodged in your cupholder. (Or, really be the “gayest” and get that rainbow flag out!) As a last resort, stick a postage stamp on the kayak hanging upside down in your neighbors garage?

Discharge a cannon for every state in the union

Nothing says pomp and circumstance quite like cannonfire! Get the neighbors involved (and probably the cops, eventually) by firing heavy artillery in your neighborhood – one cannon for every state.

Don’t have 50 cannon balls? It’s okay to exclude your least favorite states. (Lookin’ at you, Florida.)

Don’t have a cannon from 1776? Doing 50 cannonballs off a diving board into your neighbor’s swimming pool will suffice.

Happy Fourth of July, pals!